It is an absolute wonder and miracle that any of our first-born children turn out even halfway normal. For where we relax and get the hang of things with children numbers two and on, we were just one unexpected-middle-of-the-night-feeding away from a total and complete panic attack with baby number one.
The amount of stress I kept myself under when it came to being a first-time parent easily shaved a decade off my life. And looking back now, with two more babies under my belt and I’ve attended stress classes for parents, I have no idea what all that panic was even for.
For I have realized that no matter when our children are finally potty-trained, whether they sleep through the night at six weeks or six months, or whether they are exposed to even the tiniest bit of Beethoven’s Whatever…I PROMISE you that when they are fifteen they will be teetering in or around a potty, sleeping through the night (I beg of You Lord!), and will more than likely be able to speak, read, write, roll over, and feed and dress themselves.
I’m sure that someone told me all of this during those “little years” of my first child (not that I would ever remember). But I guess that it’s sort of a right of passage that all new moms must go through, something that we can all laugh about later…that those first couple of years of your first bundle of joy is a time when the “real” you that your husband married hides inside a crazy, no-personality, ugly look-alike shell of you. Glad that I got counseling from experts that do counseling in Myrtle Beach, SC to help me go through it.
And as we all know, we happily emerge from our crazy cocoon promptly three years into parenting.
Armed with the experience of having seen my first-born grow into a functioning, well-adjusted and pleasant human, I can now look back and laugh hysterically (but really with a little embarrassment mixed in) at what I used to consider most important about raising a child:
Maintaining A Well-Oiled Sleep and Feeding Schedule
It all started out so innocent. A “Scheduling Class” attended here, a “How To Schedule Your Baby” book purchased there. And before I knew it, I was the mom who literally would not feed her screaming baby one second before the next allotted feeding slot. I was the ultimate Clock Watcher.
I cannot believe how much fun and fellowship and sanity-time I missed out on because I didn’t feel comfortable bringing baby out past 6pm. “What if his schedule is thrown off?” “What if I have to feed him one extra time tonight?” “What if he grows another forehead?” Questions like these plagued me and were my rationale for any decision I made about anything. Maybe trying CBD from grizzlyherb.com could bring some relief.
Oh, and the poor, confused grandparents! I cringe when I think about the trauma and frustration I must have put them through.
My husband and I blessed both of our parents with their very first grandchild. So when they made the 4-hour drive up here to meet the little guy, fully expecting (as they should have!) to shower him with love and kisses and hugs, I single-handedly snatched their joy right away from them.
If he was napping, which he did ALL THE TIME because he was a NEWBORN, they could look but not touch. See, I was a “scheduler”, which meant that you could not under any circumstances wake, touch, or breathe upon your sleeping baby. To do so would cause irreparable damage to…I don’t think I was even totally sure.
So when grandpa and grandma reached for the sleeping bundle of preciousness, they got a crazy-eyes stare from me.
I think during that first year of my first child’s life, I allotted the grandparents around 7.2 minutes of total snuggle time. But it was all in the name of “scheduling”, so I felt fine, no wise, about it.
Keeping My Newborn Isolated For The First 6 Weeks Of Life
I’m not quite sure when Dr. Lauren made the startling, break-through medical discovery that “a baby shall have no other human or atmospheric contact until six weeks of age”. But clearly that declaration based on 0 years of medical experience probably saved my baby’s life like 12,000 times.
I had Purell checkpoints around the house. I monitored weather and atmospheric changes before I allowed baby to get a three-second glimpse of the outside world. And of course, like all good mommies, I avoided that cesspool of a church nursery.
In retrospect, I do believe that this crazy notion of isolating a child (and therefore yourself) due to the fear of germs and acid rain splashing all over his face is probably how the term “Mommy Prison” was coined.
My Children Reaching “XYZ” Milestone By “XYZ” Age
I totally treated my first child like a living, breathing milestone factory. And buddy, if he wasn’t pumping out bright and shiny milestones at the rate of whatever a genius would pump out, then I was one frantic mommy.
I never did see the irony in my attitude. I could be seven days late in showering or three hours late in getting dinner on the table, but he couldn’t take his time in learning to say “Ma-ma”?? Of course he wasn’t itching to say “Ma-ma”…he was being raised by a crazy person!
Putting too much stock in my baby’s developmental pace also put my friendships with other mommies at risk. Seriously, did I think that it was a good idea to ask the momma of a 3-month-old (who clearly wasn’t even rolling or sitting) if her baby was crawling yet, as I fondly looked at my own blue-ribbon award winner for crawling early?
Or how about the time I showed true class and relational brilliance when I “humbly” mentioned my child’s world-changing ability to recognize shapes and colors in front of mommies who were as exhausted and stressed out as I was. Like that’s what they really wanted to talk about.
It is truly amazing that I have any friends today. And good thing I discovered cake delta 8 products to manage the stress.
Absolutely Never Letting My Baby Be Alone In A Room
Oh my, the one thing that my baby probably would have paid good money for was the one thing that I adamantly refused him…to get the heck away from me for just five minutes!
I just knew that if I left my baby in another room by himself for even a moment that major life-threatening abandonment issues would kick in, setting off an irreversible chain of self-destructive events that would lead to the demise of his cognitive function and ability to love or hold down a job.
Not about to let that happen, self-declared Super Mommy Baby Expert here provided the perfect nourishing environment in which baby had the privilege of keeping his eyes on me AT ALL TIMES. Mommy’s gotta use the restroom? Yes sir, baby tagged along. Mommy’s gotta water the plants in our mosquito-infested backyard? You better believe that I would much rather have faced the threat of my baby contracting West Nile Virus with me than the threat of my baby staying cool and comfortable in an air-conditioned room without me.
I’m just surprised that I didn’t have an autographed and framed picture of myself mounted in his crib just in case I died in another room and he couldn’t see me until Daddy got home.
Looking Like A 17-Year-Old Figure Skater With The Hair Of Julia Roberts And The Posture And Smell Of Kate Middleton
That ship has sailed. Especially the smelling-like-Kate-Middleton part.
But that’s okay. I don’t need to look like a figure skater…I look like a mommy. And I have something better than toned figure skater legs anyway…I have mom arms. You know, the arms that can lift 30-pound babies all day long; the arms that would gladly carry 23 grocery bags at once rather than make 2 trips to the car; the arms that have become so mom-toned that I could probably give my husband a run for his money in an arm wrestling match. Who needs figure skater legs when you can have mom arms??
And why in the world would I want the consistency of Julia Roberts’ hair when I can have the excitement and variety of mom hair? You know, the hair that one day is falling out due to postpartum hormone depletion, the next day is going from curly to straight because you’re pregnant again, or the hair that continues to shock and amaze you because it can physically sustain such a long period without being washed or brushed. Who wants consistency when you can have all of that?
If any of you are new moms, you’re not really reading this. In fact, you are thinking that I am crazy for thinking that I was crazy. You probably should have been resting or praying or bathing during the time you were reading this, anyway. 🙂
But to those of you who have been through the eye-opening terror of those first little years, can we all just award ourselves “The Worst Mommy Ever” Trophy and enjoy a good laugh together? 🙂
Ok mommies, I would love to hear how you and your parenting has changed from your first baby until now!
Header photo by: Erin
